Waiting...

Today is going to be a little different.  Instead of a story or picture He gave me... it is a glimpse into my life and part of my story... the one He wrote for me.  Sometimes these stories are a little harder to share.  But here we go...

Started this morning, like most of my mornings... with my First5... which is usually 30 or 50 or more!  Today, I find Ruth waiting (Ruth 3).  In my First5 reading today, Nicki Koziarz talks about a "long now."  She describes it like this...  

"when we are in the midst of waiting to see the good for our lives work out, it feels like we are in a "long now."  A long now  can last for a few moments or millions of moments.  Like it or not, a long now is between where we used to be and where we want to be.  The long now is where wisdom says, "Wait."  But where our flesh often says, "Run."  

She continues...

"All of us have a long now in our lives.  There's so much we will gain if we'll let God instruct us through our long now.  Hold tight friend, the long now doesn't last forever... for us or for Ruth."

Oh how I wish I had had these words in my biggest "long now."  Like I said, today is going to read a little different... I think I'm supposed to share some of my story.  

As a little girl, I loved Jesus.  As soon as I knew to, I asked Him to be my Savior.  I tried so hard to please Him (probably too hard).  I did the "do's" and didn't do the "don'ts."  I wanted to please him and strived to please others too (which is a different story for a different time).  I prayed for a wonderful, godly husband since as long as I can remember.  

As I got a little older... into my teen years, the things that others were interested in were of little interest of me.  I was hooked on the things of God which made me a little weird in a lot of arenas of life.  I was lonely a lot of the time but Jesus was my best friend and now I see how that loneliness made me pursue Him even bigger.  I now thank Him for every lonely moment that drew me into His arms.  

Not only did I feel lonely, but all my gal friends had boyfriends.  I did not.  I understand now that part of that was probably my fear of that kind of relationship because my mom and dad were so not happy together.  I did not want that.  So I took relationship very seriously, looked very deep into people and probably didn't extend as much grace as I should've.     This was not a game to me... this was a choice that could last a lifetime... should last a lifetime.  But at that time, I didn't understand all that was going in in my head and heart.  I just interpreted it as I wasn't good enough, pretty enough or worth the risk of loving.  

I remember my youth pastor telling me when I got "a little" discouraged (my little teen heart was actually tearing)... "Amy, just wait until college.  These guys aren't looking for something like you yet but they will later.  Keep loving Jesus and living pure."  

So I went to college... 5 years for my bachelors & student teaching...

and then got my Masters 😉.  Still waiting.

I read lots of books, went to relationship seminars.  I was one prepared spinster!  Still waiting.  I remember talking to God, asking Him if He had forgotten about me.  I asked "why the wait?"  I had tried so hard to live just like He wanted.  He didn't answer those questions for me then... He just asked me to trust Him.  Time made that harder but I learned to do the hard thing.  I remember God trying to get attention off of being lonely and about using this valuable time for Him.  Sadly, (literally) It took Him a while to convince me.  

During this time... my parents' 20 something year marriage dissolved, big disappointments happened and several loved ones' deaths led me to a time of great sadness.  Sadness I had a really hard time climbing out of.  It had become that dreaded word... depression.  

But God... don't you love that little phrase?  He helped me and He healed me... and He helped me place that Hope that He gives in the forefront of my mind instead of the yucky stuff that had resided there.  

I was still waiting... but waiting with Hope looks much different than waiting without.  Even through all of this... I was still praying for the one God had for me.  Little did I know that my Tom was not yet in the place (geographically, physically, emotionally, spiritually) that God needed him to be for me yet.  And neither was I for him.  He was a United States Marine in who knows where, doing who knows what (I don't want to know 😉) and I needed my complete security to be in Christ before I ever tried to put that on someone who shouldn't have to and wasn't meant to carry that load.  

I met Tom right before I turned 30.  That seems really young now 😉 but then, felt more like retirement age and time to look for a "home."  God was working in Him and in me that entire time.  I remember the moment Tom told me that if I met him even a month earlier... I wouldn't have given him a second look.  I went home that night and asked God to forgive me for questioning His plan.  He seemed to just smile.

There was a purpose for the waiting... in the waiting.  I didn't see it then but I sure do now and am so thankful for it.  God knew what I needed and what I needed to be before He gave me my Tom.  

My husband is an amazing gift to me... a long awaited gift for which I have great appreciation and amazement.  I treasure Him.  God wrapped him up in all the things he needed to be before presenting him to me... and he did the same to me for him.

As I said yesterday, God tells the best stories.  He not only tells them, He writes them.  I am so thankful for the Tom & Amy one He wrote for me.  It was worth every moment waiting for the release date!  

*For those waiting... don't try to wait without hope.  It will lead you somewhere you really don't want to go.  God is a good Father and He will not withhold from those He loves.  He might have to make you wait for the right time out of His great love and protection.  Please know that I have been there and one thing I want my life to do is help those who have been where I have and  be a source of encouragement to them.  Help them see hope... know hope... HOPE.  That was going to be my girls' name... that didn't happen like I thought but I can still bear HOPE.  So, as the old Micheal English song goes (one I listed to over and over and over)... "I'm holding out hope to you!"

Love and hugs... really!